Fertility and Loss

A friend went through a missed abortion. I am sure she has been in the past, and would be in the future, asked by countless people countless times when she’s going to get pregnant. After all, it’s been a year to her marriage. And every single time, her heart would grieve, her lips would put up a fake smile, and she would respond in whatever way her mind allows at that time.

This pain is many times swept under the rug. It is advised to women, even by those who call people to the deen, to not feel bad when people pass such comments, because the sunnah teaches us to assume the best of people. While that is true, the sunnah does not teach us to ignore or suppress our emotions. We are allowed and in fact welcomed, to feel our pain, without guilt, and to also condemn such insensitive remarks, even if we assume the best of people’s intentions.

So here I am, again requesting everyone, to stop asking women questions that are personal and painful. Please stop giving advices regarding when someone should have a baby, even if it’s a very well-intentioned suggestion. Yes, sometimes we say something very sincerely, but it’s high time we realize that not everyone can “plan” babies whenever they want. A woman could be going through so many issues, and our suggestion for her to have a baby would most likely not be the first time this thought came to her mind. She has either weighed her options wisely, or she’s not in control of the situation. No one is in control of it anyway, even those who think they are. So our suggestions and comments would not change anyone’s plans, let alone Allah’s Plans about when and whom to bless with progeny. It’s a better idea to give a well-intentioned suggestion about something that people have been given direct control over by Allah SWT.

Same is the case with somebody with a single child. At that point in time, having a single child is their only reality. Constantly making comments about what would happen when they have more, is insensitive and pointless. It’s also most likely untrue. Those with multiple children should stop passing on their own struggles and insecurities in the form of comments to others. Having more children does not mean a more difficult life; it only means Allah SWT has placed their difficulties in a different manner than those who have a single child or lesser number of children.

May Allah SWT enable us to be emotionally sensitive to others and morally upright regarding our words. Ameen.