When Breath Becomes Air

When my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I was very early post-partum, with a 1-month-old colic baby, it seemed like my world fell apart. I couldn’t make sense of what was happening in my life. All our plans were tossed upside down due to the diagnosis. We were supposed to be enjoying the new addition to our family (after years of waiting), and start a new chapter of life with my husband’s phD, but my husband was transported to a different emotional world altogether. I remember thinking to myself: “he is not really going to die, is he?” It didn’t seem believable. I knew his presence at home ever since I got married, and I didn’t know what it would be without it. How would my husband and mother-in-law deal with his absence, I thought. In my adult life, I had never had a family member at home pass away. I always knew people come in this world and they die, but I had never witnessed death so closely. That meant I had not internalized the concept at a deeper level.

I went to one of my teachers, my mentor, and told her all that I was experiencing. She gave me a book: When Breath Becomes Air, in which the author was diagnosed with cancer, and he wrote his end-of-life story himself. After his death, his wife completed the book. What the book was telling me was simple: there would be a day, for each one of us, when breath would become air. When someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer, the reality seems more real, although it’s equally real for all of us. But as humans, we are forgetful, and we need to witness death closely, so that we remember it.

“The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘Frequently remember the destroyer of pleasures,’ meaning death.”                                                                                                

Witnessing my father-in-law take his last breaths was an experience that had a long-term impact on me. But as I got busy in motherhood in the subsequent years, the effect slowly waned. Worldly pursuits and desires started taking over. No doubt, some of the pursuits were very well-intentioned. But even while planning for those things, the heart and mind did not consciously factor-in the reality of death (for me and my loved ones). If we realize that this world is absolutely fleeting in nature, the lens at which we look at our own actions, desires and passions is different.

Recently, I experienced struggling with my breath for many weeks, which meant I had to make conscious effort to inhale air every single time, and I just did not seem to get enough. Due to that, I had a false health scare by the doctor as well. It made the reality of death come back to my conscious mind.

The reality is simple: our breath would become air one day. We would die and go beneath the soil one day. It would happen for each one of us, no matter if there’s terminal cancer or not. Our life would still terminate.

That means whatever we are going through in our lives right now is temporary. Our pains are temporary, and so are our pleasures. Our tests are temporary, and so are our achievements. If we are desiring something permissible in this world and we feel it would benefit us in the akhirah (Afterlife)as well, and are being asked to wait, it means it’s best for our akhirah (Afterlife) to not have it at this moment. Allah Knows and we do not know. So my dear friend, be a little more patient, and a little more thankful. Notice the gift of your breaths. With every passing breath, your test is close to being over. And so is your life. So use your time wisely, and remember that we have limited and unknown number of breaths left.