Motherhood and Identity
It is hard not to take motherhood as one’s “identity”. In the beginning few years of motherhood, it takes most or all of one’s time, by choice, or by circumstance, or by a combination of both. There are only a few privileged mothers who can maintain another full-time identity even in those years. Even mothers who are fully aware that the only true identity we possess is to be IbadUllah (slaves of Allah SWT), inevitably form an attachment with their role as a mother, and therefore the boundaries between a “role” and an “identity” get blurred. It is human nature to form attachments with anything that we invest our time and energy in.
Reality hits hard when we see our child beginning to function in his/her life without us. We notice bouts of independence in children as early as the age of two. However, true realization makes way into our hearts at different stages of life. For some mothers, it can be the first day of school, and for some, it can be when the child gets married! For others, it can be at some point between these two stages. This realization can be bitter-sweet. We are truly happy seeing our child thrive on his/her own, but sometimes feel unneeded or rejected at the same time. It is okay to be hurt, but the sooner we learn that this is the normal trajectory of life, and not something personal, the sooner we can move towards healing and acceptance.
The entire experience of child-rearing and witnessing our children grow makes sense when we have a true sense of purpose in motherhood. If our purpose is to “create” adults who are always subservient to us, or who always prioritize us over everything, then we are walking down a road of disappointment, frustration, and envy. However, if our purpose is to nurture those little hearts, so that they grow into strong, confident, and kind adults, spreading khayr (goodness) in this world as IbadUllah (slaves of Allah SWT), then we would be able to regulate our emotions and focus on our real intention behind it. Having children who pave the path to Jannah, for themselves, and for their parents, is one of the biggest salihaat (good things) in this life. Investing in our relationship with our children for this purpose makes every single effort worthwhile – the incorporation of veggies and protein in their meals and ensuring a tayyab (pure) diet overall, the answering of their hundredth question in an hour, the handling of their tantrums every day, the search for an appropriate schooling (or unschooling) approach, the sleep-deprived days, and the countless other efforts that are only between us and Allah SWT.
May Allah SWT Make our children sadaqa e jariyah (on-going reward) for us.
